Honey Do

Contributed by Deborah Dunn, LMFT

One of the most frequent complaints from those who seek counseling is their ongoing frustration with their spouses, who aren’t romantic, don’t spend enough time with them, or are self-centered and thoughtless.

These people are bored and restless, and find themselves wondering what life would be like with someone else. They argue, sometimes over petty issues, and as a result, problems never really get solved. Instead, there is endless power struggle and debate.

If you’re interested in strengthening your relationship, here’s some advice. But be patient — change is difficult, even when it’s what we truly want!

12 to-dos for a happier relationship

1. Realize once and for all that you cannot change your spouse — you can only change how you respond to him or her. For some reason, women especially think the power of their love should be able to change a man. Usually, the only thing it does is make him more determined not to change.

2. Whining, emotional manipulation, crying, threatening to leave, and berating a man will not change how he relates to you.

3. Endless arguing is a sign that you and your spouse are vying for power in the marriage. This may relate to one of you having felt powerless as a child, and now feeling the need to dominate. This is extremely damaging to a marriage and can end in verbal, emotional and even physical abuse. Ask yourself if you are truly trying to solve problems, or just trying to prove who’s boss in your marriage.

4. Never talk to your spouse about your problems while you are angry, after sex or before you go to sleep at night. Choose a time that is mutually agreeable during business hours, not when you need to vent.

5. Frequently praise, pat and tell your spouse how wonderful he or she is. Most people want someone who appreciates, admires and respects them.

6. Try to do more listening, processing what you’ve heard and not rushing with a snappy comeback or an argument designed to invalidate what the other is saying.

7. Validate, validate, validate.
In other words, make sure your spouse knows you’ve heard and understand what’s been said, and that you each have the right to feel the way you do, even if you disagree. The refusal to validate another’s point of view is one of the main mistakes couples make when attempting to communicate.

8. Remember that you are not a therapist.
Don’t try to analyze your spouse.

9. Laughter works wonder in marriages, and often the least expensive dates are the most fun. Go out together once a week, even if it’s just to take a walk or to eat burgers in the park.

10. Women, if your husband will not help with housework, don’t complain. Instead, divvy up the chores, and stop picking up after him or doing his laundry. No matter how bad it gets, don’t do his part. He’ll get the message eventually.  

11. Don’t be a perfectionist.
If he does what you want, even if it’s half-hearted or not done like you would do it, be patient and thank him. Men do not respond well to criticism, and will give up easily if discouraged because they feel they can never satisfy you.

12. Marriage is not meant to rescue us from ourselves. Too many people put pressure on their marriage for romance and friendship. This is hard when there isn’t that much in common or if there is underlying emotional insecurity and wounds from past hurts. Your spouse cannot heal all of your pain. See a counselor if you are unhappy with yourself.

Deborah Dunn is a licensed marriage and family therapist with offices in Archer Lodge and Smithfield. She is also the author of Stupid About Men: Ten Rules for Getting Romance Right, published by Simon and Schuster of New York (February 2009). She counsels both couples and individuals, and is a speaker, teacher and writer. For more information, visit  www.deborahdunn.com.